The State of My Pregnant Brain

This is going to be messy and raw and perfect in no way.  But it's real and true and 100% me at this very moment.  Let's be clear here my friends, pregnancy is not easy and it is not always fun.  There is not always a glow and there is not 9 months of bliss to have another human being growing inside you.  You don't always feel cute to have this ball of baby hanging off the front of you and you don't always feel pretty in those maternity clothes.  You cry at the drop of a hat at dumb Facebook videos about kittens and your husband can do little right - which also makes you cry.  You long for deep uninterrupted sleep on your stomach or to sleep on your back without feeling like your going to be suffocated from the ever growing bowling ball pushing on your lungs and giving you terrible heart burn.  You long to run, lift heavy things, and bend over and pick something up off the floor without having to do some awkward partial bend-squat because there is literally no way to bend your body in half any more. You pray to make it through the day and accomplish at least something meaningful before your feet, hips, and back start screaming in pain and any ounce of will leaves you before you collapse in a heap of growing flesh to catch a fitful nap while your toddler sleeps and your big kids are still at school.  You have desires to eat well, but why bother, you feel out of control as it is so who cares if you eat that cupcake?  You start having serious conversations with Deity as to why this whole thing takes 9 months in the first place when you are cooked and done by about month 7!  And then if you are an experienced mother, you quickly take it all back because you know what actually comes AFTER having the baby and you beg for every minute you have because that event changes everything and puts you in a whole new category of not being responsible for your actions for at least a year.  You remember that as bad as pregnancy brain is, post pregnancy brain is worse and you know it will be at least until that little bundle of joy is digging into their first birthday cake that you will start to feel like a human being again. You know that you might as well eat a cupcake now because no matter how big you feel, post baby body is not mirror worthy and there will be plenty of time to eat those carrots and zucchini.  You know that the sleep that seems elusive now will plain not exist and being awake between 1am and 5am is the new normal.  You know that having a baby brings a whole new pain in your nether regions as well as the pain no one ever bothers to tell you will occur from having something suck every two hours on your breast - screw those who tell you it's due to latch or tongue-tie, it's just plain hurts!  While you can finally sleep on your back without fear of suffocation, you still don't sleep because rarely does baby sleep when you can.  You know that soon those dumb Facebook videos that use to make you cry will really only irritate you and your husband, well he's just doomed until further notice.  Because having a newborn is hard and while they are cute and yours, you still don't know them and they take every ounce of energy and mental power to keep them and yourself functioning and going towards that year mark when you look at them one day and there is this cosmic understanding between the two of you that you made it together and while it wasn't always pretty you both pushed each other to become better individuals and that both your hearts are wrapped eternally together and while there are many years ahead, you will always be there together pushing and pulling to make it work.  And then, there seems to be this amnesia that sets in making the last year and 9 months fade away like a dream you can't quite remember every detail about since it occurred in that sweet spot between wake and sleep and yet you find yourself wishing you could go back to that spot to remember it because it was warm and safe and left you wanting more.  That's when you turn and realize this ever patient man in bed next to you who you love for giving you the chance to experience the dream in the first place and well, you just might be ready to start thinking about doing the whole thing over again.  And you better hurry, because that adorable one year old will soon be two and then you're off to a whole new game.  But first, you turn over for a full night of sleep on your stomach.