The time is here. It is so very close. I have a love hate relationship with this time. I want it to end, but then I never want it to begin. It makes me gitty and excited and terrified and overwhelmed all at the same time.
Someday early this week, we will be ushering in kidlet #5. Unless there is divine manifestations of something to the contrary, this will be it for us, so that fact alone makes this time very bitter sweet. I truly have tried to savor these last few days of carrying a child. To feel it safe and snug inside me where my only real concern is to feel it move every so often.
There is something to be said when you have your first child. You have no idea what you are getting into and what stakes are truly at hand. By child #5 the stakes seem higher and the task ahead daunting. Naivety is not such a bad thing in phases of life. Now I need to have faith more than ever. Faith in whatever comes our way.
I've been soaking up every kiss and hug I get from kidlet #4. I will miss her being the youngest. She is my buddy and this will change her, me, and our relationship. It makes me so very sad. But we will get through it. She will always be my Lindsay Lou. My Puckadoo!!
We are old school. We never find out the gender ahead of time. This frustrates some of our friends to no end (sorry M.E.), which truthfully makes the surprise all the better. "Is it a boy?" "Is it a girl?' That is always our first questions. Then comes, "What color hair does it have?" I predict boy, but then I'm always wrong. I also predict red hair, but that's only because the odds are in my favor. If a red head, kidlet #3 will be the quintessential middle child. The only blond among a sea of red. He fits it well. I won't mind if he's different.
Do I go the natural route or opt for the relief of modern medicine? I've gone it alone the 2 previous times, but this time I'm tired. I want to enjoy it. I want to take it all in. All but the pain of course. There is no plaque on a wall with my name on it for having suffered to bring them into this world. No one cares!
Do I breast or bottle feed? Given my track record, if I were a cow, I'd be culled from the herd. I can't sustain life with the equipment God gave me. I will try. I will give what I can, but then I will absolve myself of all guilt and thank the God who didn't give me the equipment for the blessing of modern gods who have done their best to make something that will sustain my baby. It's worked for the previous 4, I see no reason why now will be any different.
I will try my hardest to be kind to my post-partum body, and I hope everyone else will too. It's far from perfect, but it's sustained this life within for 9 months. I have the rest of my life to work on it. Why do we judge ourselves and allow others to judge us after doing something so amazing? The point is I did it! There should be a plaque on a wall for that!
So here we go. Ready or not! I have my apprehensions but I have even more hope. Hope in a new life. In blessings greater then I ever could have imagined. In a complete family unit. In a path of new adventures.
We love you so, soon to be kidlet #5. The caboose on this crazy train you will call family. Come quick and safe and wrapped in the scent of heaven. Come my most prized Christmas gift!!
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I always think it's fun to see what people predict we will have. Please include in the comments below or the link on Facebook the following in your predictions:
Gender, hair color, weight, and length. There may even be a small prize awarded to the winner - after I recover of course!
